I had the pleasure of visiting Cheetham CE Community Academy recently. You can read all about my visit by clicking here. After the visit, some students decided to get together in a writing group, and write stories of their own about challenges that they'd faced. I am thrilled to be able to post some of this work on my blog, because I think it's absolutely brilliant!
By Maryam (Year 6)
“Eeeek!” yelled my aunt, as she shook her knee, trying to stop ants crawling up her skinny leg. We glared out of the corner of our eyes. There it was. The cream- coloured, steel boat stood on the rough sand.
What I’m about to say is a bit too dramatic about the boat but in my defence it was wet and reeking plus I need to rehearse being dramatic for my drama career. The scent was horrendous, it smelt like rotten eggs. With a hint of dead bug smell. And a touch of dirty laundry.
We quickly set off. Tony, who was our water sports manager, asked “Who would like to go first?”(Said with a Turkish accent) I didn’t want to go first because I was worrying about the rope stretching further then it should. Yet I couldn’t wait. I wanted to reach for the clouds.
For this was parasailing.
My feet were tapping on the ground.
A thought rushed passed my mind. Suddenly I didn’t want to go second or third. I told my dad about the ‘situation’, however my dad glibly replied “We’ll go third then.”(This didn’t help at all).
3 more people later (3 per parachute), it was my go… with my dad and my cousin of course. But I refused.
As I stepped back, I cried “NO! NO! I will stay here you guys go!” That didn’t work either. And in a blink, I was buckled in the parachute. Whilst it gleamed vigorously, it also was towering over me. It also covered 1/5 of the boat. I took a breath, exhaling the air. Jubilant I was swayed back, rushing into the air. The scent was as sweet as a rose. I felt a cold, gentle breeze brushing across my delicate, smooth skin. There was a howl. NO, that was just the wind. The wind charging to the sail was as fierce as a bull. The sight was extraordinary. After ten minutes of cruising over the silky sea, we finally were brought down back on the boat.
It was all over.
Well done Maryam! I think that's an incredibly vivid piece of storytelling. I can see the scene you describe, and more importantly, I can feel all your emotions about it. I feel like I am there myself, which is what I always want to feel when reading a story. I think you're using language and rhythm really well, and I think you have a terrific sense of drama, so good luck in your drama career – though I hope you'll carry on writing, too!
By Hamza (Year 6)
“Can we go to the biology department please?” I asked as I raised my head from the map.
I was at the Bury Grammar open day to see if I liked the school. “Sure this way,” said the guide showing the way.
When I got to the room, I was completely drawn to it, like a bee to pollen. It was almost like a dream coming true I thought as I went to the heart section.
I learned so much: that one side of the heart is heavier than the other and why, I saw the back of the heart and learnt about that too. I even saw a real live heart! No, not a real one. An animal heart. (A sheep’s). Whilst on the way home, I couldn’t help but imagine what it would feel like being a doctor. But I had no rush, no rush because I had years to go. And I had football with my friends at early Noon on the field.
The immense field had with miniature seedlings were blooming under me with extravagant, beautiful colours. Thrilled, I booted the ball. Sadly, over the fence. Jack, who was my best friend’s cousin, ran to get it. But he didn’t look… SMASH!!! And there he lay… With a broken head … All of us were staring at him, all but me.
The fence loomed over me like a mountain over a mouse. “You shouldn’t be a doctor. Why aren’t you out there?” said the fence with a voice like an old, dying ghost. That was just my imagination. My imagination getting the best of me. But it was true. My body shivered. I need to be brave. Like a doctor. But how could I break past this invisible barrier, which was distorting the air.
“Come on! You can do it! Just believe it and you can achieve it.” Came a voice that I knew. It was … mine! But how? I was not a doctor… FLASH!
There I was back in reality. I took a step forward. Than another and another. Finally, I was there. Helping him. Calming him down.
“Thank … you.” He wheezed slowly. I gave a straight face. (Inside, however, my smile was too big for my face).
I did it, I had overcome my challenge.
Well done Hamza! I really enjoyed reading this story. I like the way you use contrasts in your writing, like the immense field with the miniature seedlings, and the mountain over a mouse. That kind of contrast can make a story come to life. I also enjoyed the way you used effects like SMASH! and FLASH! – I love using things like that myself.
Congratulations to you both, and to everyone in the Cheetham writing group who wrote and edited their stories. Just reaching the end of a story is an achievement; but editing it until it's as good as you can make it is something to be really proud of! And congratulations finally to Miss Katergi and Mr Stone, the brilliant teachers who have been doing this outstanding work with their students!
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